I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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