Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
