I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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