by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she peed on how many people?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize