I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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