We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
so much tequila, so little girl.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
