There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
