Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
