Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
