I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
