I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
