I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
