I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
