her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
