A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
