if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
