just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have post one night stand depression
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
