My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
