Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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