Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
