and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
