if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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