i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
