her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
