This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
