did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
