You can't special order awesome
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
