why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
