The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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