Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
