My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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