I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
