If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
