just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I will be naked everywhere
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
