I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
