I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
