I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
