please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
