I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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