I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
