I hate all girls vehemently.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
