When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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