Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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