I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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