Ketchup is God's man juice
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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