I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
