i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
