you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
