I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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