my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
