Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
farters have to be the big spoon...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
