Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
