I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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