worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
