and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize