So drunk its hurt
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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