At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
