He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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